October - The Joy in Honesty and Candor

Today, we started our new unit of 'Joy in Honesty and Candor'. Our new word for today was HONESTY, as we also talked a lot about telling the truth. We used a few examples using puppets and the children acting out different situations. One situation was how we could tell a lie, and then we changed the situation so that the truth was told, and reinforcing how wonderful it felt to be HONEST. Please use the word and concept of being HONEST in your homes, family, and discussions as often as you can, and praise your children when they are HONEST! Each family handles rewards and punishments differently. However, something that is taught in the 'Teaching Children Joy' book (and something that I believe), is that even when children do something wrong, if they are HONEST and tell us the truth - we need to praise that and let them know how thankful and appreciate we are that they told the truth. They will probably still be punished (my children still sit on the Time Out chair for the same amount of minutes as they are old), however if we praise them so much for telling the truth, then they will remember that is an important thing to do, and the punishment will take "back-stage". However, if we immediately get upset, angry, or give them their punishment - then they only remember that they did two things wrong, and one of those is telling the truth. (pg. 146 in 'Teaching Children Joy - TCJ).

I can think of just last night, Bryson Jr. had pushed a little girl and she was in tears. We asked him if he pushed her, and he looked at us right in the eyes, and nodded, 'yes'. Our children at this age (3 years old) haven't learned to cover up their feelings, what they have done, or feel the need to lie. They are usually very transparent. However, how we deal with them now, might help or hinder their desire to continue in being HONEST. Because of their natural honesty and candor, small children are their true selves. If, as they grow older, they lose part of their truth, they will also lose part of who they are. (TCJ, pg. 146)

Recommended books (if you are going to the library, you may want to look for and borrow these, or other titles on the subject of Honesty):
-Sometimes I Feel Like a Mouse (A book about feelings) by Jeanne Modesitt
- My Many Colored Days by Dr. Seuss- Today I Feel Silly by Jamie Lee Curtis
- Feelings (a Reading Rainbow book) by Aliki
- I Like Me! by Nancy Carlson
- Leo the Late Bloomer by Robert Kraus
- I'm Telling the Truth by Pat Thomas
- Pinnochio

Example
1) Be as real and congruent (a psychological sense, it is matching up how you really feel, how you think you feel, and how you say you feel) as your children are.
2) Verbalize your real feelings, fears and insecurities as well as your joys and loves. Show control, but show honesty! Tell them how you feel - "I'm upset about what happened this afternoon, so I got more angry with you than I should have."
3) Never let them hear you lie about anything to anyone!!
4) Reinforcment and Praise. Since children start with realness, congruence, and honesty, recognition and reinforcement becomes the two great keys. Whatever they get attention for, they'll proably do again; whatever they get praise for, they'll very likely do again; whatever they get joy and praise out of, they'll almost certainly do again.
5) Encourage them to always tell how they feel - to everyone around them.
** Psychiatrists tell us that it's usually as hard to get a person to know how he really feels as it is to help him know why he feels that way. The reason it is so hard to know how we feel is that we stop so early in life telling anyone, even ourselves, how we really feel. We need to recognize emotions, accept them, and, if possible, enjoy them! :)
6) Show acceptability of letting our feelings show.

ACTIVITY:
Show pictures of children and grown-ups crying. Ask: 'What made them cry?' 'Is it okay to cry?' Respond with 'Absolutely!' It is always okay to cry - that is a way we can get out the sad, or mad. However, we want to be careful that we don't cry without a reason (we don't cry just to cry...that is having a fit!). Have an acceptable way for a child to show and vent his anger - a punching pillow, bag, or the floor.

*As we talked about feelings today, we talked about if/when we are mad, we can the floor instead of hitting somone else. That worked well because we were sitting for our circle lesson time, so the floor was close by!

Find something that works for your family and/or child. Always encourage your child to talk out their feelings. I feel that I repeat this ALL the time, but I am constantly asking my children to use their words - find a way to express how they are feeling (for happy and sad, etc.) Have a pact and a family tradition to always tell the truth. Make the reward for honestly psychologically outweigh the punishment for the admitted wrong.

** We are learning the sign-language for different emotions. We actually will be watching the clip from 'Signing Time' on Wednesday to have a different medium to help us learn the signs for our different emotions. If you would like to borrow this DVD, please let me know (I am happy to lend it out, however it is around $20 to replace if it becomes lost or damaged). Just a few of
the signs are as follows (if you need me to do them to clarify, ask me anytime).

Feelings - sign 'Feelings' by making the sign of the 'Letter F' on each hand (put your thumb and pointer finger together) with the remaining 3 fingers up and spread out just a little bit from one another. Take the 'F's' and run them at the same time in front of your chest area - your chest is where all your feelings come from!!
Happy - Very similar to signing 'feelings', except that your hands are open and you move your hands in the same direction, or you can even just do one hand in the upward motion. Sad - You bring your right hand over your face (palm inward) while making a frowny face.
Grouchy/Angry - Bring your right hand over your face and draw your finger in together so they come to a point, meanwhile you make a "grouchy" face (furrow your brows and purse your lips)
Excited - It's like happy on hyper speed - you are really, really happy!!
Surprised - Put your hands up next to your hands (on the outside of your head) and shoot up your pointer finger and put out your thumb, and your eyes get really big! It's like showing the surprise in your eyes!

How many times in society do we hear (or we catch ourselves saying) - "Don't be upset", "You can't be angry/mad/frustrated", or "Wouldn't your rather be happy?" Of course it is much more fun to be happy - we know that! However, if we don't allow ourselves the ability to show and have our real feelings, then we are pretending we don't have those real feelings, and we eventually tell a "lie" - we are lying to ourselves and others about how we feel. I come from a long-line of very happy people on my mother's side. The blessing is that they know how to look at any situation with the Pollyanna outlook, however I have come to realize in my adult life that it is hard to identify what my true and real feelings are, because I remember there was just a short time that I had to feel sad, but then it was on to pulling your chin up and putting on a smile on and getting back out there! We must allow ourselve to have real feelings - and to allow our children their space, time and ability to accept and then deal with their own unique, distinct and very personal feelings! We can help our children express what their emotions are (help them label and be able to identify different emotions - again our examples will really help with this!) and to assure them that all emotions are natural...and okay!

Game/Activity for Families: How Would You Feel?
Write the following questions on narrow strips of paper. The TCJ book suggests to use the bottom half of a styrofoam egg carton, and cut slits in the egg carton. Each person has one or more turms to choose a question and answer it. The questions are very brief, and you can add to them as you ask them. On the papers marked with an asterik (*), you might also ask, "What would you do?" after the child explains how he/she would feel. How would you feel if:
a) You heard a loud, strange noise outside your window at night? (this is from the book - I would change this one to read a bit more gentle for 3 year olds!!)
b) You wanted a quarter to put in the machine at the store and get a candy, but Mother said no? c) Daddy brought you a surprise?
d) Mother said, "You were such a great singer at the _______ party, and I loved seeing your big smile!"?
e) * Your little sister/brother broke your crayons?
f) Your mommy is sick?
g) * Someone is not nice with you?
h) * Your friend will not share their toy with you?
i) * Your grandma gives your brother a bigger piece of cake than you?

** Again each emotion is okay --- after all they are someone's true feelings! The part to help emphasize, is that we need to have ownership of our emotions. As your children get older (and even now at their young age), help them realize that someone else can't MAKE them mad or sad. It might be someone's actions - but it isn't the person themself. That will give you a lot to talk about in the upcoming years, however it will be much easier to talk about emotions and how to handle them and make the traditions now with a 3 year old, then with a 13 year old! :)

Enjoy this time of building a relationship of trust, and open communication with your child in being honest, telling the truth, and expressing the wonderful and sometimes not-so wonderful emotions and feelings that we all have!

Enjoy the JOYS!